COLLECTION OF LESSONS
THOUGHTS, IDEAS, QUESTIONS, PROCESS, LESSONS,
Cindy Pittens – Week 2
Shawn, our teacher, does a clever thing. And for the trainers and for that matter also students, and actually all people among us, this might be useful to share. Do what you want with it again!
We taught each other
Yesterday we received feedback about this. Before the feedback, he asked, “How do you respond to notes?”
I thought that was very pleasant and smart to ask. The effect is that you can let yourself be known for a while. You show yourself; you are seen for a moment, with your vulnerability and how you are not always perfect. That already releases some tension, for the feedback that is to come. People are a little more receptive and can hear what is being said a little better.
Three times is a charm
He then went through his ideas about receiving feedback. Simple and effective.
If you get something back for the 1st time. Hear it and ignore it. This is 1 person sticking their experience on you. Don’t let your ego get caught just yet. It is not necessary. This probably says as much about the other person as it does about you. Put it somewhere in the back of your mind, in case it comes back.
If you get something back for the 2nd time, preferably from someone else.
Then it’s something that needs your attention. View it from all sides. Listen carefully to what is being said. And change it. Try out other things.
You should have changed it by now. J
Apparently that didn’t work out. So think again, how you heard it. What did you actually hear? Back to 2nd note.
If it hurts
Deal with it. Don’t pin your pain on the other person. They just give feedback. Feedback is not therapy. The other person does not have to regulate your emotions. You are responsible for that yourself.
Does that not work right away?
Take a step back. Go for a walk. Breath. Come to yourself. And think about it. Do you have any questions? Then go back, without dragging the other person into your emotional rollercoaster. Ask for clarification when you are ready.
(Since I’m not such a strong emotion regulator, I added for myself: use your network. Ask a friend to listen to you if you need to share / vent your pain. But keep distinguishing between your pain and the other person’s feedback.)
I learned in the past two weeks to what extent I always treat things therapeutically. Of course – I knéw that and understand it. I am a social worker and visited many therapists. It wired me in a way.
But this teacher manages to distinguish it so clearly. ‘Simply’ teaching and ‘normally’ interacting with each other compared to therapeutic interaction.
This is really important to me. In the first week this was very disruptive. I wasn’t really allowed to show myself, I thought. It’s getting more pure now. I am given a new frame of reference. I feel a slight shift in myself because of that.
As a participant, I’m expected to manage myself. And to be honest. I am able to manage myself. I don’t have to keep asking for clarification, confirmation of what I’m feeling or that I’m being seen in wholeness. I’m just not used to it.
Shawn stays perfectly in place and keeps things clear. An important lesson for me as a trainer too. I don’t always have to zoom in on how the other person feels. I don’t always have to fully understand the other person. I am not his friend or therapist.
I can assume that the participant manages themselves and can regulate their emotions. That also makes my work as a trainer lighter and clearer.
Loved this lesson!